Fear And Love

I am convinced that my un-welcomed fears have made far too many decisions for me. Reflecting on the emotional rollercoaster that has been this most stable and wholly loving relationship I’ve ever been in has made so clear what I had been lacking in the past.

Silly thing, but listening to a One Direction song it all came to mind in a single second.
“She told me in the morning she don’t feel the same about us in her bones”

Wait, really? The implication is that a relationship is ending because of a feeling. It hit me hard, because this is such a prolific rudder in modern society. I find it immature and stupid, and then realize it’s been such a theme in my life before. Sparing the gruesome details, every romantic relationship I have been in has ended because of either being cheated on, his leaving because I wouldn’t have sex with him, or because he simply lost interest and “ghosted.” All of those things suck, but worse than that is way it all happened. Without warning. Every single time, I would have a conversation with him and share my thoughts and feelings, ask where he stood and try to get on the same page. We would talk, he would kiss me, look in my eyes and assure me that we were in a great place and then head home. The very next day there would be a confession of cheating, a break up text, or that would have simply been the very last time I heard from him. The worst part truly was being lied to so many times. I became jaded.

Now, here I am in this most wonderful relationship with an incredible man. He love the lord, loves me, loves my son, is honest to a fault, and from day one has been perfectly transparent with me about what he wants and how he feels. I spent the first few months waiting for the other shoe to drop. The part where he disappears, or doesn’t keep his word; that’s been my consistent experience in the past. It’s a challenging thing to break through my jaded, insecure heart and keep sharing my love as much as I feel. I’ve been so  meticulous to guard my heart, which I think is important but it’s also of foundational importance to remind myself that I can trust him. If I had let my feelings make decisions for me I would have, in my jaded guarded heart, let my unfounded fear of him turning out not to be a man of character, cause me to pull away. I would have made my goal distance. I would have begun adding brick and mortar atop the tower that already wrapped around my heart. I would have “felt different about us in my bones” and walked away just to avoid heartbreak again. I would have chosen fear. Instead, he stood there, leaning on the wall I had built and looked into my eyes, waiting, saying everything without a word. It’s a good thing he’s such a strong climber, and could withstand those new layers I had frantically added while I let my fear motivate me. He just keeps stepping up, showing up, and patiently letting me learn that I can trust his integrity.

Finding myself here, I have a clear mind to share what I think love is. Love is a choice, it is a commitment, a code of ethics, a glue and finally a feeling. Let your feelings serve you, but do not let them lead you. Every morning you have to wake up and choose to continue pursuing connection with that which you love, whether it is a person, a business pursuit, or a faith; you still have to intentionally choose love every day. Some day’s you feel awful, whether physically or emotionally,  and you still have a choice. In this way, love is a commitment. You have to give yourself to it, or them, even when you don’t feel like it. Love, as a choice stewarded well and a commitment, that kept, will hold together even the most god-forsaken shipwreck. I am constantly challenged to choose love over fear, but I believe it to be me the most valuable battle to take on.