This New Season

When your world gets shaken, and you feel unstable, get so close to God that you can actually “fear not.” Identify your strengths and resources, honor their boundaries but be shameless in accepting their help. Discover what makes you feel fully alive and actively pursue your passions. Consider the costs of each step toward them, as well as the cost of stagnancy. Go feeling empowered, and if you lose that feeling of empowerment, go back to the beginning and meditate on your strength and who you were designed to be. We were always meant to do this life in community.

FIRED
For the past few years I’ve worked in or with dental offices as part of, and supporting the reception team. I’ve held pretty dynamic roles and have enjoyed the nature of the work, most days. At the most recent office, without getting in to the nitty gritty, I was FIRED. Ouch. It was such a blow to my ego. I had been casually looking for other opportunities, and had even interviewed at a different dental office before being fired, so losing that specific role didn’t sting, but I had never been fired before and that was a pill to swallow. I woke up the next day and when my alarm went off, I didn’t get out of bed as quickly as usual. I was greeted not by the beginning of another busy day, but a blaring and somewhat disabling question. What do I do? Most mornings were routine, my new husband and I had just established a rhythm that was working for us, and the closer we stuck to it the smoother the mornings would be. But now, literally every step was questionable. I didn’t have to get up early, because there was no timeline. In fact I could let our little boy sleep in because he didn’t actually have to go to preschool since I didn’t have anywhere to be… Well, Sterling went to preschool and we kept things as routine as possible. Regardless of the conclusions we came to, you can see how a day that began without explicit purpose also began the unraveling of my mind.  I remembered five days previously, a small group of people at my church prayed for me and one person specifically encouraged me. She felt God prompting her to tell me, “Do NOT worry about how you will transition from this season to the next.” The only thing she knew about me was my name. This encouragement was deep at face value but came also with a sense that God really saw me, heard my prayers, knew my concerns and most of all He cared about all of that. This is an intimacy I would get fired every day for, to know God’s closeness like this.

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
I realized quickly during that first day at home, that I had a few seriously basic questions to answer. Primarily, I had to answer Alex’s question, “What do you want to do?”

Hold on, what?
What do you mean “want” to do? Dental reception… er, right?

If you know my story, you probably know it in part so, let me string a little bit of it together for you. After high school, I moved out to California and worked in Yosemite National Park. (Glorious place, go!) When you work there, you apply to one company who staffs the entire park. You get what you get, and take the job you’re given. After that I traveled a lot, and had to work when I could, at what ever job was available, in order to support my gypsy lifestyle. Shortly thereafter I settled in to a mountain town for a few years and loved working in a coffee shop, then an espresso bar. With the news that I would be expecting a child, I figured I would need my parents support so I moved back to Michigan. There again, I took what ever work I could find. For years, as a single mom, I took ALL the work I could find. Retail, service, direct sales, corporate, childcare, college. I tried everything and it was always about necessity, the circumstances, and supporting myself and this sweet little babe. Three years in to single-parenthood I got the best opportunity I had come by, and that’s how I began in dentistry. Even then it was a new field that I could grow  in passion for, but taking the job was still about my best opportunity until I found something better, as if I could grapple up some income ladder by hoping from one industry to the next.  Things began to change when I met, my now husband, Alex. My previous work life has always been, without exception, dictated by necessity. This question of “what do I want to do?” still felt as abstract today as it did when I was asked as a kindergartener. I may be 27 years old, but I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Finally, I have found myself in a place where I can actually pursue what I want do to, not what I have to do, and it has taken a serious shift of mind to embrace that. I had to wrap my head around the fact that this short season of proactive pursual, while unemployed, does not mean near instant poverty for my family. Marriage is a lot of things, and in this moment its the kind of blessing that supports me in finding where I thrive. I am free from the oppression of necessity and abound in opportunity to grow in who I am! I am SO thankful for my husband and his selflessness to give me this time of reflection, instead of asking me to “just take anything and we’ll figure the rest out later.” Praise The Lord for a husband who’s concern is me living in to my original design, and passion, not just for a paycheck.

PASSION
It took a lot of clearing my mind, which came with processing and purging the deep hurts of being fired. That nitty-gritty part which is unnecessary to share still left me feeling discriminated, hated, unworthy, ruined for future hire and angry. I was very angry about the grounds for my dismissal and these are not feelings you can make clear decisions through. Once I had processed a little and prayed a lot, some things began coming together, and finally clicked after a dream one night.

As I slept, I dreamt that I was on horseback, in a circle arena. I was on a dependable, but small red quarter horse. I liked him just fine but didn’t feel attached. Then walked by a huge and breathtakingly beautiful black and white paint horse, led by a rough, broad shouldered, burly man. He walked this majestic animal over to a stall and began brushing him in preparation for a saddle. I was instantly connected to the horse and knew he was meant for me, but also that it was not the right time. God speaks in a lot of ways, and I have learned (and love) that he often speaks to me in dreams, like these. Now horses in dreams, usually mean passion, drive and power. I heard God say in this dream that He is guiding my passions, and “saddling up” while I sharpen my skills on a smaller animal. Soon, it’ll be time to switch horses and get on to those big beautiful passions I want to chase after, but for now, I am to wait.

Alex and I married in October, but delayed our honeymoon to January, because Michigan is a whole lot colder then, and Costa Rica would still be HOT. Our honeymoon was full of surfing, yoga, jungle driving and pondering what we are most passionate about while we swung in hammocks and drank from fresh coconuts. It was four days after our return from CR that I was fired, so thankfully I had fresh grasp of these soul searching times. While overseas I was reading “Waking The Dead” by John Eldridge. He takes a whole book to expound on the quote by St. Irenaeus, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” I found I became most fully alive when I was empowering other people. I’ve often been the friend that others confide in, think out-loud to, ask for advice, and come to with heavy hearts. I used to think I needed to solve their problems for them, but it turns out that even when I don’t, but people still walk away from our time together feeling encouraged, empowered, or at least less defeated I feel full. Not fulfilled, but full of energy and excited to see what they will do! Life isn’t about chasing an emotional high, but in healthy situations, it’s a good indication you’re operating in a place of passion. We all have different gifts, and one of mine is to be an encourager. I was a terrible cheerleader for those three weeks in 6th grade, but when it comes to personal matters I make a solid hype girl!

 

NOW WHAT?
Okay so the goal is to empower people, but you can do that anywhere. Arguably, you should do that no matter where you work. So what now? I pondered on my life experiences, and what I love doing, and here’s where I’ve arrived. I’m going to develop myself into a professional encourager. I am going to teach yoga, and be a doula, encouraging and supporting women, their partners, and their babies. I’ll offer to share my love for, and the power in, essential oils and truly nutritious foods. I want to connect people, so we can have this community we’ve been designed to live in. If I end up totally nerding out, I’ll even start sharing my passion for this learning I’ve just begun about Natural Family Planing and avoiding pregnancy without harmful contraceptives.

To be perfectly honest, it’s been weeks since I’ve made these decisions and progress is slow despite momentum building. I have applied for jobs that will cary me through the developmental season of  getting proper training and certifications for these things I am so passionate about, but now comes a lesson in patience and persistence. Particularly persistence of faith to “fear not” even when the circumstances I think I see working out, begin to change. I can see it coming like a tidal wave, and I’m a dreading it a little, because these things take time. I have never been gifted in patience.

When your world gets shaken, and you feel unstable, get so close to God that you can actually “fear not.” Identify your strengths and resources, honor their boundaries but be shameless in accepting their help. Discover what makes you feel fully alive and actively pursue your passions. Consider the costs of each step toward them, as well as the cost of stagnancy. Go feeling empowered, and if you lose that feeling of empowerment, go back to the beginning and meditate on your strength and who you were designed to be. We were always meant to do this life in community.

 

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Fear And Love

I am convinced that my un-welcomed fears have made far too many decisions for me. Reflecting on the emotional rollercoaster that has been this most stable and wholly loving relationship I’ve ever been in has made so clear what I had been lacking in the past.

Silly thing, but listening to a One Direction song it all came to mind in a single second.
“She told me in the morning she don’t feel the same about us in her bones”

Wait, really? The implication is that a relationship is ending because of a feeling. It hit me hard, because this is such a prolific rudder in modern society. I find it immature and stupid, and then realize it’s been such a theme in my life before. Sparing the gruesome details, every romantic relationship I have been in has ended because of either being cheated on, his leaving because I wouldn’t have sex with him, or because he simply lost interest and “ghosted.” All of those things suck, but worse than that is way it all happened. Without warning. Every single time, I would have a conversation with him and share my thoughts and feelings, ask where he stood and try to get on the same page. We would talk, he would kiss me, look in my eyes and assure me that we were in a great place and then head home. The very next day there would be a confession of cheating, a break up text, or that would have simply been the very last time I heard from him. The worst part truly was being lied to so many times. I became jaded.

Now, here I am in this most wonderful relationship with an incredible man. He love the lord, loves me, loves my son, is honest to a fault, and from day one has been perfectly transparent with me about what he wants and how he feels. I spent the first few months waiting for the other shoe to drop. The part where he disappears, or doesn’t keep his word; that’s been my consistent experience in the past. It’s a challenging thing to break through my jaded, insecure heart and keep sharing my love as much as I feel. I’ve been so  meticulous to guard my heart, which I think is important but it’s also of foundational importance to remind myself that I can trust him. If I had let my feelings make decisions for me I would have, in my jaded guarded heart, let my unfounded fear of him turning out not to be a man of character, cause me to pull away. I would have made my goal distance. I would have begun adding brick and mortar atop the tower that already wrapped around my heart. I would have “felt different about us in my bones” and walked away just to avoid heartbreak again. I would have chosen fear. Instead, he stood there, leaning on the wall I had built and looked into my eyes, waiting, saying everything without a word. It’s a good thing he’s such a strong climber, and could withstand those new layers I had frantically added while I let my fear motivate me. He just keeps stepping up, showing up, and patiently letting me learn that I can trust his integrity.

Finding myself here, I have a clear mind to share what I think love is. Love is a choice, it is a commitment, a code of ethics, a glue and finally a feeling. Let your feelings serve you, but do not let them lead you. Every morning you have to wake up and choose to continue pursuing connection with that which you love, whether it is a person, a business pursuit, or a faith; you still have to intentionally choose love every day. Some day’s you feel awful, whether physically or emotionally,  and you still have a choice. In this way, love is a commitment. You have to give yourself to it, or them, even when you don’t feel like it. Love, as a choice stewarded well and a commitment, that kept, will hold together even the most god-forsaken shipwreck. I am constantly challenged to choose love over fear, but I believe it to be me the most valuable battle to take on.

Farm Life, Day One.

If you would have told me, six months ago today, that before Christmas I would be living on a 300 acre farm in a city an hour away from where I was living at the time,  I probably would have looked at you like you were crazy and asked what phsychadelics you ate for breakfast. These past six months have been host to some of the most wonderful, fast paced, intentional, and unforeseen events of my life. I truly wish I had done a better job of keeping this little journal updated as the story unfolded so far, but all the same, I have a feeling that the best is yet to come. I’ve gone from mountain-mom-stuck-in-the-city, to farm-living, remote-workin’ mamma. Here’s our story, starting now.

December 16th was the official move in day, despite having moved our things to the farm a week prior. Sterling and I arrived Friday evening, just in time to have dinner and visit with my boyfriend, Alex, and his family, before Grammy left to spend some of the winter in California. We settled in and built a fire that evening, enjoying its warmth in the glow of the christmas tree lights. The rest of the weekend followed suit, learning what my beginning responsibilities on the farm would be, continuing the seemingly unending project of unpacking box after box, and learning how to most efficiently heat the house with a wood burning stove. The stove is not a new skill for me, but one that absolutely needs sharpening. The weather has been merciless. Our first four days here have been sub-freezing temperatures without breaking. It has been such a lovely change of pace to wake up to the lowing of 60 cattle at pasture out our door, as opposed to the whistle and rattle of trains and cars passing all night long.

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Playing in one of the cattle pastures

I spent most of Monday feeling like I was living a dream, working my professional life, as well as interacting with the animals that keep my family fed and healthy. I took my darling boy to his first day at his new preschool, and he ran off joyfully after kissing me goodbye. Any parent can attest to the reassurance of their child’s joyful departure, especially in a new place. After arriving back at the farm, I set up my desk and “went to work” for the dental practices, beginning my day job. Between responsibilities for work, I got to get down to brass tacks washing basket after basket of eggs and cleaning the community rooms, kitchen and store. This level of multitasking was challenging, to say the least, and will take some serious getting used to. admittedly, I may have been slightly distracted by the deep feeling of value in the work my hands were doing. Selfish, maybe, but the emotional high of feeling like your work is deeply valuable makes it easier to be consistently joyful.

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The first of many baskets of eggs

Let me tell you the highlights of this farm where we now live and work. Lake Village Farm is over 300 acres, and is a non-profit organization prioritizing the preservation of the land and livestock farming practices that focuses on the animals quality of life. For those of you that know me personally, are you thinking, “This is SO Morgan!” yet? There is also a huge priority placed on education and helping the community get back in touch with where exactly our food comes from.(p.s. it’s not It shouldn’t be a factory!) Lake Village is home to at least 15 other families who actively contribute to the daily running of the farm, some of which have been here for over 15 years. The farm borders a lake, and is one of the most diverse and lively landscapes I’ve had the blessing of enjoying. This is the beginning of something new and beautiful, and I can not wait to keep sharing my crash course in the agricultural lifestyle.

I live an incredible life, and the gift of the lifestyle I was invited into is the best thing I never would have asked for this holiday season. Thank you Lord, for knowing me better than I know myself, and giving me more than I feel I deserve. What a gracious God, to love me this lavishly.

AsYou…

There is a contingency in this. I read the words, ” …as you…” and it was if my inner narrator enunciated them slowly, boldly as the words settled deep in my spirit. The key to unlock the fullness of hope, peace, joy, and power lie in trusting in The Lord. It sounds so simple, but is it really?

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13

We have hope in The Lord always, but this verse really seems to suggest that there is more available when we actively trust in Him. It is written that we would have ALL joy, and OVERFLOW with hope as we trust. There is an extra measure available for those willing to trust in Him actively. Simply put, is your love or kindness to a non-believer not Gods goodness overflowing on to them? God’s goodness is for all of creation, not just believers, but this makes it clear that there is more for those who do believe and choose to trust.

This kind of trust is not a passive thing. Typically if you have to trust in something, or someone it is because there is something at stake, or a risk involved. You do not have to trust in a given. In this, you have to actively choose to believe that The Lord will come through. It escapes me why this is so hard to do, but it is a very present reality. Even yesterday I found myself full of anxiety and fear and realized there was plenty I had been thinking about, and forgotten to trust in The Lord for. From my experience, it becomes much easier to trust in The Lord when you take even a brief moment to remember what He has already done for you. When was there just enough, and you went without want? When were you certain things would go south, but then somehow they did not? Maybe you did not even pray about it, and everything still went okay. Make a list and remind yourself, write it down and meditate on it. Actively choose and decide to believe (whether you feel like it or not) and as you breathe in this decision, let hope, joy, peace, and power wash over you, fill you and overflow from you.

The final part of this verse takes the pressure off. It is not, and will not be, by our own power that we can accomplish any of this or find the fullness of hope, joy, and peace. It is the power of the Holy Spirit who makes this possible. It is not a natural thing, to just decide and believe. It takes a miracle kind of power only found in the Holy Spirit. You can stop trying so hard. Do what you can and rest in knowing someone far more powerful than we may ever know is on your side and fighting for you to have all that this verse speaks of; for every good thing.

Coming Back.

I keep writing drafts that start with, “It has been a while since I’ve written anything.” and proceeds to prepare my readers for the lack of gusto, or inspiration in my writing to come. I find myself justifying my level of writing, or explaining my absence. It fills me with anxiety and has kept me from posting anything. It is a strange way to think, that I own anyone an explanation for how, when, or why I write. Consider the ice broken. I’m happy to be back. I hope to be sharing more thoughts, on a regular basis,  very soon.

Also, I recently saw a funny meme which drove home the importance of the oxford coma. I’m going to use a lot of comas.

I’ve just learned that I’m an avoider. A runner. It’s always been there, at least the instinct if not the follow through. It’s ironic a little, because I’m quite the mama bear. One night after dark a strange dog without a leash, or a person, came running toward me and my two year old. I was quick to stand directly in between the dog and my son. The dog turned out to be our neighbors kind, and silly lab but  it wasn’t until after the dog began running away that I realized the 6″1′ man we were walking with had run the opposite direction and was now half a block away. Physically, there are very few threats I am likely to back down from. Emotionally, all it takes is a hint of doubt for me to begin dreaming of my Canadian escape. An A-frame at the end of a long pack trail. An Alaskan cabin on enough land to sustain My son and myself. A Washington sunset that colors my trail. A backpack stuffed with only the essentials.

I’m a runner, with knee issues.

Eclipsed

I took the garbage out tonight, well after I had crossed the dilusional threshold of tired. School work will have to wait until tomorrow but local sanitation services aren’t as flexible. I looked curiously at my neighbors, congregating across the street. One noticed me and pointed to the sky saying, “it’s the blood moon.” I looked up and was suddenly sober. The sight was pretty too but I realized, this is the first time all summer that I’ve actually stopped to look up at the sky and marvel at the stars. A thing that had consumed many hours every night, and much of my thought life in previous years had gone completely overlooked this time. My heart sank and the ache in my neck seemed to make more sense.

Have be I really been so busy so as not to see the eclipse?